Noodle Green You Are So Clean: A Tale of the World's Most Waterphobic Dog

Noodle Green is possibly the world's silliest dog. She is a lovable blend of a dachshund and a beagle. Somehow she managed to get the best traits of each breed. She is smart like a beagle but sweet and affable like a dachshund. The only real issue Noodle has is a true phobia of water and soap.
We are not sure where this phobia stems from. My husband and I adopted Noodle when she was 8 weeks old and unless Ryan tried to drown her once and failed to mention it to me, the aquatic anxiety remains a mystery to me. The mere sound of the bathroom water coming on sends Noodle into a sprint in the opposite direction that dead ends with Ryan or me (or both) pulling her out from underneath the bed or any other hiding spots. Although it is always a battle, Noodle is an inside dog and must be bathed regularly.... do you see my dilemma?
The worst time was when the Noodle was about 5 months old. We just bought our house and it was the first bath in the new bathtub. Because of the height of the new bathtub and the fact that Noodle was still a puppy and fairly small and extremely clumsy, I thought once I put her in the bathtub she would not be able to get out. WRONG!
Once I was able to locate the Noodle (hiding in the back of the closet under Ryan's clothes), I scooped her up and we headed toward the bathroom. The second I shut the bathroom door, she started wiggling up my torso in an effort to escape. Did I mention how silly this dog is? I begin peeling her off my shoulder and neck where she has somehow managed to wrap her front legs around me. (Still not sure if she was holding on for dear life or trying to utilize a sleeper hold.) Oh well...
I finally pry her away from my neck and place the squirming little dog in the 4 inches of warm terror. She immediately pees all over her tail which is now tucked tightly between her legs and practically glued to the underside of her torso. GRRRRRRR! I drain the bathtub water and start over.
I get the bathtub refilled and get the preliminary rinse completed despite the fact that Noodle is sprinting from end to end of the bathtub. I just filled up my cup and doused her as she ran by. A few back and forths and she was thoroughly drenched. Now the soap.
I grab the wiggling and now slippery Noodle and begin applying soap. At this point water is everywhere! I get Noodle lathered up and ready for the final rinse when "oh crap, where is my cup". It is gone.
I panic and let Noodle go. Oh crap! My wet, soapy dog figured out how to jump out of the bathtub and bring six gallons of water and soap with her. When did she learn how to do that? I mentioned she is smart! Within seconds Noodle and I are having a showdown in the tiny, flooded bathroom. She is in one corner and I am in the other. I dart one way, she goes the other. We make a few circles, fall a few times, and finally I capture her.
I had to hold her under the faucet to get her rinsed. I am pretty sure she thought it was the end of her life. I get Noodle wrapped in a towel and dried to the best of my ability. I release her into the wild (aka the backyard) to let her shake. I watch as she shakes and runs laps in the backyard. Suddenly she dives head first into a dirt pile. NO! She begins rolling in it. NO! NO! NO! I watch as all my hard work comes undone. SERIOUSLY! Noodle then comes and sits at the back door ready to come inside.
Seriously?! Here we go again!

Do Infants Have a Sixth Sense for Knowing when Their Parents are Almost Asleep

My one-month-old daughter woke me up this morning at 5:30 a.m. After I feed her, I put her back in bed as usual, but this morning instead of falling back asleep, she wanted her pacifier. I gave it to her, got back in bed, and just as the wonderful sleepy haze came over me and I hear "Whaaaa" (baby code for "Mom, my pacifier! It's gone! I think the teddy bear took it! Help!!!"). As I grab my robe and make my journey across the house I think "Oh my poor baby lost her pacifier! Mommy is coming!"
I place the pacifier back in her mouth, she wiggles with contentment, and quickly begins sucking the life out of it. I wait a few minutes to ensure the pacifier is securely in her mouth and then I return to bed thinking about how good it makes me feel to do the little things for my baby girl. I then begin to envision the stage on which I will accept my Mom of the Year award.
As I lie down and once again begin to fall into a pleasant sleep (no doubt dreaming about my future Mom of the Year award), I hear "Whaaaa, Whaaaa, Whaaaa". Ok, here we go again. Once more, I am up. I am slightly irritated, but I repeat the above steps, and once more my baby girl is happy and Mom of the Year is closer.
Once more I lie down and begin to settle into a deep sleep when "Whaaaa! Whaaaa! Freaking Whaaa!"Ok, this should be the last time I have to give her back the pacifier. After this time, she will fall asleep. Right? Wrong!!!!!
Baby and I repeat the pacifier battle for an hour. I stick it in her mouth and she pretends that she is going to suck on it until she falls asleep and then spits it out as soon as she senses I am asleep. I was so optimistic for sleep this morning and I swear, right before I finally acquiesced to the almighty powers of Sporadically Crying Baby, she let out a little mischeiveous giggle. It sounded something like "Whaaaaa! Whaaaaa! Hehehehehe! Whaaaa! Whaaaa! Hahahaha!" I think she and the teddy bear were conspiring against me.